I am attempting to let go. To beat the hell out of this keyboard ’til all my worry is spread across this white screen. There is so much going on and I am asking for help. For advice, for words of encouragement, for prayers. It has come to the point where I can not do this alone. And I don’t want to.
To sum up everything as much as I can: I’m the oldest of five kids. Our mother passed away almost five years ago from Cancer. I’m, sadly to say, the only one in my entire family who has coped in a healthy manner - I wish it were the same for the others. My youngest siblings were about 7-8 when our mother passed. And within a year later, their father was murdered. It seems as though I’m the ONLY person in my entire (stubborn ass) family who realizes that they were too young to cope. They didn’t even understand the word “cope” for God’s sake. They lost not one, but both of their parents, at such a young and vulnerable age. They were forced to deal with death on their own - which is impossible for anyone who doesn’t even understand what the hell happened to their parents in the first place.
Last year, my 14 year old sister, started cutting herself. Everyone got mad & yelled at her. I’m the only one who realizes or even takes the time to RESEARCH about this extremely serious behavior. I, unfortunately, do not have custody of my siblings. My grandmother does. She’s the most stubborn woman I know. (I love her with all of my heart, but… she’s hopeless) She refuses to agree that my sister needs therapy. Not only for this reason, but she needs someone to talk to. Someone to give her advice on how to cope with her past and how to deal with anger and sadness. Since I’m not her guardian, I’m pretty useless as I can’t permit her to see a therapist.
Today my sister and grandmother got in an argument. A couple minutes later I hear my sister frantic at my door, crying and screaming. She had just cut herself but this time she went WAY deep and was bleeding uncontrollably. Thank God not deep enough to need stitches - God knows what the hospital will think and do when they find out about this. Probably wonder why in the hell she hasn’t gotten help sooner. I took care of her and talked with her. I promised her that I will get her help no matter what I had to do. And soon. Whether I got to get freaking custody of them, I will do it. I hate to rant about my grandmother, she’s a wonderful woman. But she’s so negative. And negative people are ugly. Inside and out. And I’m afraid my sister is learning that mindset. She’s into the “emo” bullshit. She has no healthy release. And it’s not her fault. My fucking family has been blind for so long. They don’t realize how hard they have had it. They were 7-8, having to learn ways of life on their own, because they didn’t have parents around to teach them. They are clueless, naive, and extremely vulnerable. And I worry my ass off for them. I hate that Chris and I are the only ones who tries to help. Everyone is so blind. Do they not realize what is going on or do they and just pretend it never happened. THIS IS THEIR FUCKING LIVES WE’RE TALKING ABOUT. Something has got to change.
After the incident, I went off. I had never talked so loud, so angry, and so forceful towards my grandmother in all of my life. It had to be done. I did not let her get one damn word in. I needed to be heard. I screamed and I cried. I said all I could say, and for what.. she is still as stubborn as ever. She refuses to realize why they do what they do. She claims its for attention. Who gives a shit what its for - hell, maybe it is for attention! Can you blame them? My mother LOVED us and they have not gotten that kind of attention in so long. Of course they are going to crave it. So what. The point is - they both have their problems and they both need to be helped and soon. I worry for my sister’s life because right now.. she honestly wants to die. And I will not let that fucking happen.
All I can do at this moment is hear them out. Get a hold of a professional and pray to God it helps. I will always be here for them even when no one else is. I pray I am doing the right thing. I just wish there was something else. ‘Cause this is so much. I can barely handle it myself.
Old people have a hard time dealing with stuff like this. If she won’t put your sister into therapy then get your sister to call a crisis line and get some advice from them on free counselling services etc. The longer this goes on the more serious this is going to get.
Your grandmother needs to understand that this is only PARTLY for attention (and it is but not in the LOOK AT ME! way but in the HELP ME! kind of way) it’s also your sisters way of dealing with her feelings. Cutting feels GOOD to her. That’s not normal and shouldn’t be treated lightly. I can get why you’re so angry, I am too and it’s not even my sister!
I can’t believe at 7-8 years old they weren’t PUT into counselling. In Canada regardless of age, if you’re a victim of a crime like murder/rape etc then the RCMP have a counselling service that is offered to you and it’s free of charge. They do this because they know it’s NEEDED.
ARGH this is becoming a novel but you get where I stand on this I hope. I’m sorry I don’t know more to tell you about who to call and stuff like that. I’m not too familiar with how things work in your state. You might also want to remind your grandmother that taking care of a child’s mental well being is as important as their physical well being and not doing that could also be considered child abuse…. I’m sure she doesn’t want to have CPS come in and take care of her grandaughter for her. Just saying. Well all else fails threaten Trina. If it’s the only way to protect her.
It’s very brave of you to stand up for your siblings when you’re going through such pain yourself. Maybe it is time to talk to a professional, like you mentioned, it may be the thing to make your grandmother see what is happening.