I remember struggling as a teenager. Whether it was moving across state in the middle of high school and feeling like an outcast or being five-hundred miles away from my boyfriend. But what really forced me under was the death of my mother. I remember watching her health spiral the last two years of her young life — and me, too wrapped up in my own problems and worries, neglected her. I remember hearing her cry at night and I will never forget the day she asked me why I didn’t care about her while tears flowed down her cheeks. I also remember my heart dropping from my chest to the guilt covered floor. — She had no clue how much I cared… and prayed.

I regret all the hugs and I love you’s I missed out on simply because of my selfish emotions — they seemed to stay buried within never quite reaching the surface…

July 1st, 2004 7:15pm. I remember it so well. She decided to go during dinner. We were all wrapped around a tiny kitchen table eating pizza. It was the only moment that no one was near her bed. She waited until everyone said their goodbyes. It wasn’t until my aunt went to check on her we all realized what had happened — she was gone. I wasn’t aware of it then but after that day, I was slowing changing.

I’ve learned so much from her life (and death). I no longer take life for granted and I cherish the small moments. I cry more from laughter than sadness. Not to mention my growing relationship with God. As weird as it sounds, my relationship with my mother has never been stronger. No longer do I speak to her in words but more so as thoughts and in my prayers. I feel her presence all the time. While her death was a tragedy it also was a blessing. Which leads me to what I’ve learned the most from her — It’s to remember that good can even exist in the bad.

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year’s course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word ‘happy’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” -Carl Jung