I remember struggling as a teenager. Whether it was moving across state in the middle of high school and feeling like an outcast or being five-hundred miles away from my boyfriend. But what really forced me under was the death of my mother. I remember watching her health spiral the last two years of her young life — and me, too wrapped up in my own problems and worries, neglected her. I remember hearing her cry at night and I will never forget the day she asked me why I didn’t care about her while tears flowed down her cheeks. I also remember my heart dropping from my chest to the guilt covered floor. — She had no clue how much I cared… and prayed.

I regret all the hugs and I love you’s I missed out on simply because of my selfish emotions — they seemed to stay buried within never quite reaching the surface…

July 1st, 2004 7:15pm. I remember it so well. She decided to go during dinner. We were all wrapped around a tiny kitchen table eating pizza. It was the only moment that no one was near her bed. She waited until everyone said their goodbyes. It wasn’t until my aunt went to check on her we all realized what had happened — she was gone. I wasn’t aware of it then but after that day, I was slowing changing.

I’ve learned so much from her life (and death). I no longer take life for granted and I cherish the small moments. I cry more from laughter than sadness. Not to mention my growing relationship with God. As weird as it sounds, my relationship with my mother has never been stronger. No longer do I speak to her in words but more so as thoughts and in my prayers. I feel her presence all the time. While her death was a tragedy it also was a blessing. Which leads me to what I’ve learned the most from her — It’s to remember that good can even exist in the bad.

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year’s course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word ‘happy’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” -Carl Jung

I have so many ideas floating around in my head yet the travel to my hands are quite slow. I’m at such a creative block and it sucks. I’ve been working on two layouts (one for my blog and another for a side project) and even though its amazing in my head, I just can’t duplicate it. So, I’m taking my boyfriend’s advice and taking a break. I hope something will hit me in the next few days ’cause I’m really looking forward to having more room for new content. I have so many ideas and not enough time.

Anyways, so my break is consisting of me soaking up some sun. I’m sitting outside on my patio with my laptop in front of me. I’m loving wireless internet! Although not loving the bugs so much. I’m really looking forward to Fall. The colors, the weather, the breezes, the holidays. Surely something creative will spark inside me soon enough.

I’m ending this post with a video. A video of a man named Randy Pausch - a professor from CMU. He was diagnosed with liver cancer and has recently passed away. He decided to give a speech, his last speech, about achieving your childhood dreams. It’s the most inspirational and moving speech I have ever heard and you will surely fall in love with this guy. His positive attitude, even in the depths of sickness, is heart warming. I hope you get as much out of it as I did!

Chris and I watched The Diving Bell and the Butterfly last night and I have to say, it was much more than I had expected. A very moving movie. The direction is profound, to say the least. It’s in first person throughout most of the movie so it gives you the sense of what Jean-Do is really going through. It’s probably the most inspiring and motivational film I’ve seen in awhile. It really makes you feel grateful for what you have and makes all the little grudges you hold inside seem inane. Jean-Do was an extraordinary man and this film reassured me that no matter what life throws at you, you’re capable of anything.

I’m looking forward to reading the book now.

There are those who motivate and then those that inspire. She does them both. She has accomplish so much, brought me so much happiness — and she’s only eight months old. The saying “Eyes are the windows to the soul” didn’t mean anything to me until now. I could spend ages looking in her eyes. She’s so brilliant for her age. It’s amazing how much strength she gives me just by looking in those big brown eyes. And vice versa. Her eyes sparkle when she looks at mine. And she gets SO happy. Thats the best feeling. We have a connection unlike any other.

A few nights ago, while staying over my house, she developed a fever while she was napping. [a reaction to her immunity shot] Something told me to wake her up and thank God I did. I’m still not sure how high it was but it must have been over 106 Fahrenheit. Before I could finish, she started to have a seizure. And with in minutes, she went limp and stopped breathing. Thank God my grandmother was there. She performed CPR and brought her back. We were never so scared in our lives than we were that day. The ambulance didn’t get there in time but my grandmother was a lifesaver. My grandmother has helped many [MANY] people with seizures throughout her life and I honestly believe it was all practice for this very day. If I didn’t wake her up when I did and if my grandmother wasn’t at the house, she wouldn’t be here now. God, how amazing life works out sometimes.

I’m so thankful. That little angel has taught me so much. I’m healthier, I’m stronger, I’m happier because of her. We may have saved her life but she will forever be my little lifesaver. She’s my everything. She’s me niece.

It’s been a few days and she’s doing so well. She’s 100% better and so happy. She’s learning to crawl and she’s just so damn cute. We’re having a sleep over at the moment. I love to watch her sleep. :)