Time has been flying by so awfully fast — I’m having trouble keeping up. So much has happened since I have last posted. For starters, Chris and I have our own place. Finally. It’s an one bedroom apartment and it’s beautiful. :) It’s starting to feel like a home now. It’s nice having everything yours. And the privacy is such a plus.

Even though I have so much to celebrate I can’t help but feel down. The reason.. I’m not too sure. It’s like a curse that I can’t get rid of. It’s swarms me whenever something good happens. It’s worse on holidays. It’s like it refuses to let me be happy. It’s such a bitch.

I have tried all types of ‘therapy’ but nothing seems to help. The breathing technique only makes me more tensed for some weird reason. There is one thing that works, I don’t know why I tend to forget about it.. music. It’s has always been my therapy — my remedy for all that haunts me. It has never let me down.

I was thinking today. It’s so remarkable, music that is. How one song can mean something different depending on when/how you listen to it. The meaning behind it some how morphs itself to fit what you’re feeling. It’s a sneaky chameleon, if you ask me. I love it. Today, I feel like Storm by Lifehouse. It’s in my music player if you want to give it a listen. It’s one of my favorite songs. So beautiful.

All this talk about life and music and what not has really been inspired by the book I am recently reading: The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Truly one of the best books I have read. The main character, Charlie, is a shy unconventional thinker and it’s impossible to not fall in love with him. During his story he references countless number of songs and books — he even makes mix tapes for various occasions like his first time driving alone. I love that because I can relate. If needed I could fit any day, occasion, person with a song. Most of my memories are music-related. For example, every time I hear We Will Rock You by Queen I remember a day I heard that song. It wasn’t the first time I heard the song, just a random day but I remember it so well because I was so happy. My mom, me and my two sisters were on our way home from our aunt’s house when the song came on the radio. I remember all four of us singing aloud and my mom speeding down the road, slightly swerving the car along with the beat of the music — she did this a lot especially to Goo Goo Doll’s song Slide. I loved that about her. Now every time I drive along that one road and up that small hill, I think of that Queen song.

So many of my memories are attached to music. I can picture any moment in my life and just like a movie.. each scene having it’s own song and melody. I have never noticed or realized how much it means to me to have something like this. I do now. And I can’t help but feel grateful. There’s nothing on this earth that I can relate to more so than music. I know it’s sappy, but I don’t just hear it, I can literally feel it. Each note, each melody, I’d like to think I give it life. I give each song it’s own memory.

I don’t know if it’s just me but I like to listen to music while I’m reading. No matter if it’s a book or someone’s blog. The music seems to morph and flow with whatever I am reading. There goes that sneaky chameleon again. Maybe that’s why I decided to add a music player to my blog — to make my random entries seem a little more interesting. :P Speaking of which, there’s a ton of songs that have really been influencing me and encouraging all my life changes, I’ll go ahead and choose a few and add those to the music player. I love sharing music. A perfect gift if you ask me. enjoy.

Bands I think deserve your attention:
http://www.purevolume.com/alaskaandme
http://www.purevolume.com/sigurros
http://www.purevolume.com/explosionsinthesky
http://www.purevolume.com/williamfitzsimmons

I remember struggling as a teenager. Whether it was moving across state in the middle of high school and feeling like an outcast or being five-hundred miles away from my boyfriend. But what really forced me under was the death of my mother. I remember watching her health spiral the last two years of her young life — and me, too wrapped up in my own problems and worries, neglected her. I remember hearing her cry at night and I will never forget the day she asked me why I didn’t care about her while tears flowed down her cheeks. I also remember my heart dropping from my chest to the guilt covered floor. — She had no clue how much I cared… and prayed.

I regret all the hugs and I love you’s I missed out on simply because of my selfish emotions — they seemed to stay buried within never quite reaching the surface…

July 1st, 2004 7:15pm. I remember it so well. She decided to go during dinner. We were all wrapped around a tiny kitchen table eating pizza. It was the only moment that no one was near her bed. She waited until everyone said their goodbyes. It wasn’t until my aunt went to check on her we all realized what had happened — she was gone. I wasn’t aware of it then but after that day, I was slowing changing.

I’ve learned so much from her life (and death). I no longer take life for granted and I cherish the small moments. I cry more from laughter than sadness. Not to mention my growing relationship with God. As weird as it sounds, my relationship with my mother has never been stronger. No longer do I speak to her in words but more so as thoughts and in my prayers. I feel her presence all the time. While her death was a tragedy it also was a blessing. Which leads me to what I’ve learned the most from her — It’s to remember that good can even exist in the bad.

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year’s course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word ‘happy’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” -Carl Jung

Could you imagine writing your life’s story in only six words? It’s harder than you think. I came across the idea from Stephen Christian’s blog the other day and it really inspired me. NRP has a video featuring some six-word memoirs. Here’s a few of my favorites:

I still make coffee for two.
Sperm to potent, now have triplets.
Nothing profound, I just sat around.
He wore dresses. This caused messes.

So I tried writing my own but couldn’t choose just one:

Wanting more yet afraid of change.

Her life has brought me happiness.

Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Me.

Struggling to better myself. Almost there.

Fourteen years lost, then meeting him.

Loneliness sucks. Could use a hug.

But my favorite, the one that sums me up the most:

Found life in his blue eyes.

I think it’s pretty cool to sum up your entire existence in only six words. It makes you really think about your life. I encourage you all to create your own six word memoir. Feel free to share them. :)

I’ve been contemplating what career field I should go in for months now. I have my Associate’s degree and all my general college credits out of the way. I want to continue my schooling in hopes to get a BA or even a Masters someday. My problem is — I don’t know in what. It’s not that I don’t have any interests, it’s quite the opposite. I have so many interests but nothing seems to be the right career. I think my problem is that I lack real work experience. I’ve always been self employed. I have no experience ‘out there’ in the real world and I my social skills could use some improving. In hopes to relieve some of my stress, I created a list of possible career fields.

1. ART! Although I see this more as a part-time job.

2. Interior design. I wouldn’t know where to start with this one. I live in Mississippi and have yet to find a school that has classes for this. I wouldn’t even know where to start working at or internships. :|

3. Photography. This could work. I’m not talking about the kind @ Walmart either. Possibly weddings, engagement photos, portraits, etc. Classes shouldn’t be too hard to find either. The problem I see with this is I lack social skills. I’m friendly and outgoing and whatnot but not toward strangers, it takes me a while to warm up to new people. This is no bueno for this type of career. But then again, if I get a REAL job sometime soon, my social skills would start to improve.

4. Elementary teacher. I love kids & I’ve had plenty practice with them. (Four younger siblings and currently babysitting two one-year-olds.) I’d probably teach either science or social studies. I’ve tutored my younger brother in both these subjects and successfully improved his grades. That’s when I realized I wanted to teach. But then again, I lack social skills! I’m terrified in front of a group of people - even kids, I’m sure. My fiancee is currently going to school to be a High school English teacher and all the presentations and stuff he had to do scares me. I hate that my fears get in the way of my life. I could really see myself teaching too. Plus the benefits are nice: My husband and I will have similar work schedules, week ends off. Summers and holidays off as well. :)

I came across a site that showcased both the positive and negative aspects of being a teacher. One of the positives was:

“Kids.
It may seem obvious, but certainly, the most important and best aspect of being a teacher is getting to work with kids. Teachers love kids and kids love teachers. Elementary students even hug their teachers. Getting to share in the learning process with young, innocent minds is incredibly exciting. Kids are wild, unpredictable, sometimes incorrigible, but they are always beautiful beings who are just learning about the world. They will make you laugh, scream, gasp, think, grieve, cry, and love.”

It way seem silly but this made my eyes water and my heart swell. I do believe teaching kids, or just assisting kids in any way, is my calling. Maybe I can find me a teacher assistant job and see where things go.

After really thinking about this, analyzing all the jobs I have listed, the only one that makes me truly happy — is teaching. Grading papers, making up tests and organizing fun activities for the kids, strengthening a child’s mind and encouraging their hearts. GASP, I think this is me.

I have been thinking a lot about death lately — not in a dreaded or depressing way, more of an understanding. Death to me is not the end but the beginning of a heighten perspective of life. I’m here on Earth to experience both the good and bad, to learn from them both, to share, to celebrate, to love, to strive to be better. To GROW. If I continue on this journey learning as much as I possibly can I think I have lived a prosperous life. After death, this is when we recollect, compile, and digest our knowledge we have acquired through out our life. In that moment, we will reach the highest awareness of the word LIFE and all it’s meaning. All our questions will no longer need answers - we will know everything. It excites me and I even look forward to that moment. Don’t get me wrong, I intend to live a full, healthy, and brilliant life. I’m no longer afraid of death because I know there is much better things awaiting me. Lost faces I will see again. New places to go. Another life to triumph.

I am a huge fan of clouds, any one who knows me would know that. Today, while Chris and I were out eating lunch, huge puffy clouds scattered the sky, so many of them — was breathtaking. I, unfortunately, did not have my camera with me (I need to remember to carry that thing with me where ever I go!). I started thinking about life & death and how I hope the day I die (hopefully many years from now) the clouds will look a little something like this — to remind those I love that life is still beautiful even in the midst of chaos and death.