I so need to write right now. The past few months have been so overwhelming. Life is having more downs than ups lately. My anxiety (I don’t even know if that’s what it is any more) has been out of hand. Some days I’m fine, but most.. I’m just down. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed at all, I’m actually really happy. I just get stressed out too much. I try to handle things as best as I can (and I seem to be doing alright) but it’s so hard sometimes. I think I try so hard that it’s finally getting to me - I’m so tired. I feel like something is bothering me but the problem is I don’t know what. A lot has been going on this year but I feel as though there’s something else. I try and cry sometimes to release.. but nothing comes out. I just wish I knew the pinpoint of all this so I can finally stop it. Chris tells me it could be a little of everything, maybe he’s right.

I’m not the kind of person to hate life or give up. I keep pushing on, I just pray that God gives me more energy so I’m able to because sometimes I feel so exhausted. I’m not motivated any more, but I try. And that’s what matters, I suppose. Keep trying. Keep going.

My uncle passed away a couple days ago and even though I’m sad, I’m actually happy he’s gone. He deserved better places & a better life. With all this mourning around me, I’m starting to really miss my mom. I’m not going to say life isn’t fair - but I just wish it was easier sometimes. But then again, if it was.. it wouldn’t be worth accomplishing.

Chris and I are taking a little vacation this week visiting his family. I’m really looking forward to it. I really need to get away from this house, this city. I’m going to use this time to not only spend time with the people I care about but really take time for myself - to think, to reflect, to learn, to overcome. I do feel things will get better.

I am attempting to let go. To beat the hell out of this keyboard ’til all my worry is spread across this white screen. There is so much going on and I am asking for help. For advice, for words of encouragement, for prayers. It has come to the point where I can not do this alone. And I don’t want to.

To sum up everything as much as I can: I’m the oldest of five kids. Our mother passed away almost five years ago from Cancer. I’m, sadly to say, the only one in my entire family who has coped in a healthy manner - I wish it were the same for the others. My youngest siblings were about 7-8 when our mother passed. And within a year later, their father was murdered. It seems as though I’m the ONLY person in my entire (stubborn ass) family who realizes that they were too young to cope. They didn’t even understand the word “cope” for God’s sake. They lost not one, but both of their parents, at such a young and vulnerable age. They were forced to deal with death on their own - which is impossible for anyone who doesn’t even understand what the hell happened to their parents in the first place.

Last year, my 14 year old sister, started cutting herself. Everyone got mad & yelled at her. I’m the only one who realizes or even takes the time to RESEARCH about this extremely serious behavior. I, unfortunately, do not have custody of my siblings. My grandmother does. She’s the most stubborn woman I know. (I love her with all of my heart, but… she’s hopeless) She refuses to agree that my sister needs therapy. Not only for this reason, but she needs someone to talk to. Someone to give her advice on how to cope with her past and how to deal with anger and sadness. Since I’m not her guardian, I’m pretty useless as I can’t permit her to see a therapist.

Today my sister and grandmother got in an argument. A couple minutes later I hear my sister frantic at my door, crying and screaming. She had just cut herself but this time she went WAY deep and was bleeding uncontrollably. Thank God not deep enough to need stitches - God knows what the hospital will think and do when they find out about this. Probably wonder why in the hell she hasn’t gotten help sooner. I took care of her and talked with her. I promised her that I will get her help no matter what I had to do. And soon. Whether I got to get freaking custody of them, I will do it. I hate to rant about my grandmother, she’s a wonderful woman. But she’s so negative. And negative people are ugly. Inside and out. And I’m afraid my sister is learning that mindset. She’s into the “emo” bullshit. She has no healthy release. And it’s not her fault. My fucking family has been blind for so long. They don’t realize how hard they have had it. They were 7-8, having to learn ways of life on their own, because they didn’t have parents around to teach them. They are clueless, naive, and extremely vulnerable. And I worry my ass off for them. I hate that Chris and I are the only ones who tries to help. Everyone is so blind. Do they not realize what is going on or do they and just pretend it never happened. THIS IS THEIR FUCKING LIVES WE’RE TALKING ABOUT. Something has got to change.

After the incident, I went off. I had never talked so loud, so angry, and so forceful towards my grandmother in all of my life. It had to be done. I did not let her get one damn word in. I needed to be heard. I screamed and I cried. I said all I could say, and for what.. she is still as stubborn as ever. She refuses to realize why they do what they do. She claims its for attention. Who gives a shit what its for - hell, maybe it is for attention! Can you blame them? My mother LOVED us and they have not gotten that kind of attention in so long. Of course they are going to crave it. So what. The point is - they both have their problems and they both need to be helped and soon. I worry for my sister’s life because right now.. she honestly wants to die. And I will not let that fucking happen.

All I can do at this moment is hear them out. Get a hold of a professional and pray to God it helps. I will always be here for them even when no one else is. I pray I am doing the right thing. I just wish there was something else. ‘Cause this is so much. I can barely handle it myself.